Regrets of a Later Mom

I regret not having children when I was younger.  Not because I have a problem with being a later mom because I know who I was in my twenties and I know who I am now and this is definitely the right time for me. What I regret is that I can’t have more kids of my own. I’m a little sad that I didn’t meet the right man at about 27, have my first kid by 30 and then 2 more before 37 or so.  Had I known myself better when I was younger maybe things would have turned out differently for me. 
 

I regret not having children when I was younger.  Not because I have a problem with being a later mom because I know who I was in my twenties and I know who I am now and this is definitely the right time for me. What I regret is that I can’t have more kids of my own. I’m a little sad that I didn’t meet the right man at about 27, have my first kid by 30 and then 2 more before 37 or so.  Had I known myself better when I was younger maybe things would have turned out differently for me.  But that’s like saying “maybe if the sun was purple, the trees would be pink.”  No matter how hard I try to rationalize it, I can’t fully let go of that sense of regret.

Ever since my son was born, I’ve told myself that I can do it again.  Despite the fact that I had one month of feeling good and healthy during my pregnancy and doctors stamped my forehead with that “Advanced Maternal Age” label and filled my head with scary thoughts every single time I went for an ultrasound, I was convinced I could do it again.  Never mind the fact that it would have to be via IVF because I’ve been infertile most of my life due to PCOS, hypothyroidism, hyperplasia, aneuploidy, and who knows what else.  I’ve always heard those stories about women getting pregnant naturally after struggling for years.  I have friends who experienced that - so why not me? 

I’ve spent years resisting going on the pill to regulate my cycle despite suffering from three-week-long periods, hemorrhaging, and anemia.  My gynecologist never pushed me toward it. My endocrinologist questioned me on it but was respectful of my need to dream.  No one wants to come out and say “snap out of it, you’re too old to have another baby.”  And no one should say that – it’s the 21^st century and women have options.

I guess I could go for a donor egg and IVF again and I suppose my chances would be very good. And, I think adoption was an option until probably this year when I turned 46 – depending on the adoption agency, of course, and the country from which I wanted to adopt.  So if I’m willing to write off these other options, is my sense of regret really about not having more children or something deeper.

A couple of months ago I became so sick with anemia that I had to make a decision.  How much do I want to have another baby versus how badly do I want to be well and comfortable?   When I’m going through a rough menstrual “cycle,” I’m ready to put an end to the fantasy right then and there but when I’m regulated, the feeling that I can do it again, comes creeping back.

So why the flip-flopping feelings? What is really going on here?

I have a beautiful little boy, a wonderful husband, a job, and a house that may be worth nothing these days, but it’s home.  What more could I possibly want? The reality is I have everything I’ve ever wanted right now including the luxury of being able to focus on just one child.  So much love and energy goes into raising this wonderful little kid.  I treasure every moment, every smile, every funny thing he says, and every hair on his sweet little head.  I love being a mom.  Specifically I love being Evan’s mom. 

Maybe that’s the problem.  Now that I know who I am and I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life, I finally know what was missing and I never want this feeling to go away.  But it’s time to stop fantasizing.  The reality is I’m 46 and my body is fighting me.  I need to take care of myself and enjoy the here and now because “right now” is exactly where I’m meant to be.